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If it weren't for either of those shitty ass things, my dad would still be alive.
GO TO HELL! |
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First of all, thank you for all the messages.
:-)
After the phone threat last week, my dad went to the hospital.
They did multiple tests and gave him several prescriptions, or so my mum says.
Basically, he lacks a lot of vitamins, has high blood pressure, and...should he choose to continue the course he is on and not stop drinking...the doctors suggested that he will probably go the same way as his brother.
I guess all good news must come with bad news as well.
My mum is optimistic and I want to be... however, it is hard when the voice on the other end of the line sounds weaker than usual.
I hope he does take this opportunity to improve his health and put down the bottle, but my dad has said -on multiple occasions throughout my life- that he wants to die.
It's sad. All of my students know that my parents are fairly young (both are 47) and yet, I feel many of my students at age 60 plus are far more youthful.
It's like he just quit living over the last few years. |
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Oct. 22nd, 2009 @ 11:46 pm
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So.
I've been thinking a lot about death.
Not in an emo way, either.
It crossed my mind, given recent circumstances.
Over and over in my head, I replayed what I thought might be the last seconds.
Seconds in which you say goodbye.
Seconds in which you idly stare at everyone and say nothing.
The second before the final drop on a roller coaster.
There's nothing.
I can't even begin to imagine a moment where I don't think, remember, dream, wish, speak, tune out, glaze over, etc...nothing. Not one moment.
I can think of drinking and even then, I have never once blacked out. Anyone who has ever been with me during a night of heavy drinking knows that I would much rather prefer vomiting over blacking out.
I just can't imagine it.
In my secularism, there is nothing.
No moment afterward that I can leap into and no moment I can grasp onto.
It comes and it happens. I don't think it is avoidable.
The light dims and goes out.
Dawkins can write all he wants about the need to live out our lives, but frankly I think he wakes up some nights dreading that final second, much like any religious follower.
I'm no more religious, than atheist.
No one is ready to die, except those who know it is coming.
Like a roller coaster, I assume you grab the bar just one more time, hold your breath, close your eyes...
I have passed out more than most.
The last sense you lose is hearing, just so you know.
Three miniature bones -evolutionary traits- are all that keep us listening to sobs, goodbyes, I love yous, miss you, etc...rather than our mouthing the words, "It's hard to make the good things last", in a second of utter silence. |
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Every Tuesday at 10:30AM my time, my parents call.
I talk to my mom for about 7 minutes, then my dad comes on for about 10 minutes give or take depending on the events of the weekend, and finally my mom comes back with a 3 minute wrap-up which usually includes 1 minute of good-byes and I love you's, between a series of 1-2-3 counts are chanted off as a means of getting her to hang up...a habit she formed my during my second week at College after I threatened to quit school and sit at home for the rest of my life.
Last Tuesday, I had great news to report. My free loading roommate of 8-months finally moved out on Monday and I was so excited!
My mom, as usual, didn't quite grasp how momentous this was. Sometimes I wonder if her stroke left my mother incapable of this form of empathy, as she is quick to cut off conversations with extremely random topics about her day or life, which have no connection to the conversation at hand, but which my family has chosen to just go along with and my extended family has chosen to ignore. Unfortunately, the doctors don't seem to think there is anything wrong with her, but I guess they don't spend enough time with her and thus are making inferences based on the 10-20 minutes they spend with her, talking about her, and so on. But, I don't have a medical or psychological degree and cannot pass judgment as easily.
Anyway, got handed off to my dad and he congratulated me on my new found freedom. Which was great, though he still is under the impression that the freeloader was paying money. Ah well...so, moments before the end of the conversation, however, my father tells me he fell. Not once, not twice, but three times. His legs buckled as he went to the bathroom one night. They buckled on him when he was going into the living room. They finally buckled on him when he was in a parking lot. That's how the conversation ended, which my dad suggesting he would have it checked out.
For one week, I sit here waiting for the phone call. I have been on vacation, actually, for the last 3 days with this on my mind and finally Tuesday has arrived.
The answer I got, I had too many other things to do, it costs a lot, I don't have time, no one will go with me,...and so on. My mother says she is trying to get him help, but as I said before, with an attention span no longer than 10 minutes, it is hard to get my mother to do anything unless she is focused on it for her needs. Which, I understand, but it is unfortunate that her needs always trump my dad's needs and no one who meets my family seems to understand that. The wheelchair really helps to get people on her side.
Well, after about 5 minutes of phone time, I was off the phone with the both of them.
My mother didn't want to hear me complain about how she hasn't tried to get my father to the hospital and my father said that he was just walking slower and hoping that things would go away in time, while sounding weak on the phone.
It is the same thing they did to me with my grandfather and my uncle before they both passed away. Pretend that nothing is wrong. Tell no one. And, much to my sadness, my extended family has basically given up on my parents and their childishness.
So, I am stuck here with a dilemma...
Hope for the best and continue on the track I want to be on.
or
Go home and take care of them. |
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Before I return you to your regularly scheduled tauddrivel...
I am, I was, and I have been in love.
"It makes me sick how overlooked you are.
By everyOne.
Fucking just fucking head shaking wrong.
I love you too.
Goooood nigHt."
6 years of my life and I have been in love.
I have thought about it. Through every relationship, I have never really wanted anyone to know. It is easier to let go or to move on when no one knows.
I haven't been let go and I haven't been forgotten.
For the first time, I was loved in return. |
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"Everyone of my friends is good at something. A, you are good at driving. B, you are good at video games. Rick, you are.... you know I can't say anything."
Me: "Just drink this and go to bed."
Z: "You know what I mean when I said that everyone is good at something?"
Me: "Yeah, just get some sleep and drink this."
Z: "I'll send you an email. No, I won't. Yes. No, I won't."
Me: "Good night, Z."
Z: "Rick." *the door shuts*
I have been a good friend (for some people).
I've never been anyone's close friend.
I'm tired of hearing that I give too much.
I'd break down if one person actually said I was their closest friend.
I search the world, but I can't be that for anyone and only I know why......
Aug. 16th, 2009 @ 03:37 am
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| » Much |
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The gateway jumps an illiterate anecdote.
Jul. 24th, 2009 @ 12:15 am
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| » Also... |
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All the rage in Japan these days is Organic Restaurants.
Essentially the same exact food that they eat, only apparently it is called Organic this time around and costs nearly 50 bucks for one course.
One more step towards making organic vegetables available only to those who are affluent.
Anyway, I am going to one of these chic restaurants and I will try to give the food a fair shot, but I am skeptical as to whether this food will actually be organic or if I will be witnessing the placebo effect in action as lambs to the slaughterhouse dump their cash into the register before they leave.
Don't get me wrong. I love the concept of organic vegetables, I just don't see it as possible in a country that relies soo much on chemicals to maintain the beauty of its fruits and vegetables to the point that many Japanese still don't eat apple or grape skins. Not to mention that Japan's food self-sufficiency rate is an astoundingly low 39% and given that the elite in Japan only eat "grown-in-Japan" I will be surprised to know how they managed to clean up the soil for these organic veggies. Sorry for the ranting, but the math doesn't add up and gullible people are everywhere.
I think it will be like the Chinese vs. Japanese gyoza (pot-stickers) scenario I witnessed on TV.
There was a taste-testing event in which the participants were informed beforehand about the origin of the gyoza and reacted accordingly. The Chinese gyoza was given the thumbs down and looks of disgust, while the Japanese gyoza was praised for its superb deliciousness with these Orgasmic sounds... I have had Japanese gyoza and let me tell you...never once have I had an orgasm induced by it.
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 05:42 pm
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| » FUCKING JAPANESE POLICE! |
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Every time I get on my bike, it is worries me that I am going to get stopped by the police. Sure enough, it happened today.
Let me share what happened:
I went to the gym and decided to take the long way home (7km/4.35mi out of my way) and I get to a busy intersection without a stop sign or light. Feeling a bit tired, I decided to turn back and head for home. On the opposite side of the road, going the other way is a police car. Behind me is a school girl on a bike. I get off my bike and walk over the bridge and start back down the path on the opposite side of the river. I look back and I see that the police car has done some kind of U-turn and is going the other way down the road.
I slow my pace, as I am on a bike trail with only a few roads accessible to cars.
About 1km in, two officers are waiting on the road pretending that they are looking around. Then one comes up to me with his hand raised.
I stop and he says: "Do you speak Japanese?"
In my head, I say, "Yes, but not for the likes of twits like yourself"...and I reply, "No."
He tells me it is a spot check and he asks my name and where I live.
I then ask him if he would like to see my bike papers. Surprised that I carry these papers on me, he said, "You have them with you?"
I said, "Well, police check me almost every week and it is getting really bothersome."
He said, "Yes, it is bothersome."
Fed up with the pleasantness they have given to this entirely embarrassing charade, I start questioning him.
"So why do the police stop me all the time?"
He says, "Oh, crime is going up in Japan, so we must stop people."
I snap back, "You didn't stop the Japanese girl that was on the bike behind me."
"We are sorry. Please, just cooperate," he tells me.
So I expand upon my perceived reality of the situation, "It is because I am white that is why you waited 1km down here and stopped me. I just went to the gym and I decided to ride my bike a little. I have lived in this area for 4 years and I pay my taxes. So, why am I treated like a criminal in this country?"
"Thank you for your time and have a good day," they say as they walk back to their car.
"SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!" I shout.
*the other one chuckles*
Down the road, I came to another intersection and there they were. They nodded and I shook my head disapprovingly.
In my general understanding of the situation, crime in Japan has gone up and as the number of foreign residents has increased, so has the crime committed by foreigners.
That being said, similar crime data suggests that while the Japanese population is decreasing, crime committed by Japanese is in fact the same as it was when the population was higher and younger.
Moreover, the crimes most often committed by foreigners include: Overstaying one's visa, failing to register one's bike, and failing to notify the government when one has changed employers or house.
Meanwhile, the crimes most often committed by Japanese include: random stabbings, murder of family and non-family members, solo and gang rapes, and groping on trains.
If we compare the types of crimes committed, we see that while crimes by foreigners have in fact increase, a majority of them involve crimes that hurt no one except the perpetrator. On the other hand, crimes committed by Japanese almost always involve someone getting killed, hurt or emotionally scarred. If I was a logical member of the Japanese police force, I might spend a little more time trying to figure out how to stop people on the train from groping others, how teach parents that it is not reasonable to put your 2 year old baby into a garbage can with the lid closed for 12 hours, how to prevent sick creeps from chopping up a body and flushing it down a toilet or stuffing the body into a train station locker, or how to train police officers not to let the prime suspect in a case -where a girl was murdered, raped, and buried in sand-filled bathtub on his balcony- get away barefoot!! You'd think it would be easy to find someone not wearing shoes in Japan!
I won't even get into the punishment of some crimes where the victim is not Japanese.
Yes, America has it's fair share of racial profiling and crazy crimes too. Though, I can honestly say I have never talked to the police more in any other country than Japan.
Jul. 14th, 2009 @ 04:30 pm
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| » This sometimes makes me rage |
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http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/nn20090710f3.html
Apparently, not only have Japanese volunteers decided to make it their duty to clean the streets of Paris, but they are also cleaning the streets of New York City.
While I understand that they are doing something that citizens in France and the US should do, it often makes me wonder why you don't see them bothering to clean up the garbage dumps that are their rivers, lakes, and beaches?
Plastic especially from their rivers and beaches are forming a mass in the Pacific that is growing to huge proportions. But, instead, these groups are focusing their efforts on cities that are major tourist attractions for Japanese and instead of actively engaging the citizens of these countries, they are trying to set an example...which will ultimately fail in my opinion.
It just makes me think it is a little hypocritical for the Japanese to be out their cleaning up the streets in major cities, while back at home they have plenty of garbage that needs to be cleaned up.
Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 09:35 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Sometimes, I would like to just give a job to certain people and say....
"This is your job now and will be your job for the rest of your life, because it is the job you are best qualified to do and the job that will provide you with the most pleasure you will ever get from any job."
Jun. 11th, 2009 @ 09:27 pm
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| » A topic you will all be interested in.... |
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Today, I cleaned my Belly Button.
Now, before you gag or suggest that I have poor cleaning habits, I would like to say that I did not realize the total depth of my navel until today. So, while it was entirely clean in appearance, it was only a facade.
You are probably wondering one of the two following questions:
Why would I am I telling you this?
or
Why haven't I stopped reading?
Let's hope you are not one of those in the middle types ;-)
Well, as you may or may not know, I like a good belly. They can be very beautiful and soft.
"Neither procreative nor nutritive, perhaps it is the navel's lack of obvious purpose, combined with its audacious, almost arrogant, spot right there in the middle of things, that sucks its admirers in."
-Deirdre Day-MacLeod
To make a long story short, I learned a while back that belly buttons have unsuspecting depth which can hide indefinable masses more commonly known as Belly Button Lint. At the time, it was an unfortunate discovery. However, while I was in the shower today, I decided to examine my own belly button.
Despite being an aggravated pink and slightly sensitive to the touch, it is 100% clean.
That being said, according to a Finnish researcher, Navels that are vertically slit or T-shaped are the most desirable. And Outie people... your scar tissue apparently fails in its duty as a "Tractor Beam" or so the study suggests.
Jun. 2nd, 2009 @ 08:19 pm
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| » Surely there must be some kind of study... |
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I am curious to know more about the Japanese Obsession with Disney.
Sure, you could say that it is some attempt to relive a childhood they were denied, but c'mon.
There must be something more to it.
Well, for a date, I am going to Disney Sea (apparently the more exciting part of the theme park duo).
This is not to say that I am anti-disney or will hate my time there, but it just baffles me why the mass hysteria. A large number of young people (20s - mid30s) I have met have worked for or at Disneyland and dream of working at Disneyland or DisneyWorld in America.
There needs to be a study done if there hasn't been one done already.
May. 27th, 2009 @ 12:38 pm
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| » Oh Japan |
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http://search.japantimes.co.jp/cgi-bin/nn20090522a2.html
Principal apologizes for bringing students to New York and exposing them to that foreign started Swine Flu!
The bastard.
They should just shoot him!
An eye for an eye!
Of course, no one has died and the symptoms have been mild...but still! Someone could, possibly, in a world without Tamiful or whatever die here in Japan.
May. 22nd, 2009 @ 10:52 pm
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| » Rage in the old school Passive-Aggressive fashion |
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From today forward, I seek to no longer offer advice to anyone on LJ.
Especially when it is requested and then suddenly treated as if I wasted someone's time.
Yes, Kat, that goes out to you.
I hope you do feel better about your life and about things, because life is too short and you have so much time left in which to enjoy so many things.
That being said:
You seriously offended me with your completely unnecessary and careless response.
May. 17th, 2009 @ 10:47 pm
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| » Soshokukei Men |
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According to my week long study, I have determined that these are some (though not all) of the traits of Herbivorous Men.
-Fashion-orientated
-Highly metrosexual
-Not aggressive in business
-Starve to be skinny so they can wear skintight clothing
-Content with whatever work they receive
-Have only experienced loss (economically)
-Penny pinch their way through life
-Have excessive amounts of point cards
-Quite chummy with their mothers
-Enjoy shopping and exchanging fashion ideas with their mothers
-Emotionally weak
-Timid to ask women out on a date for fear of rejection
-Prefer to live alone
-A majority prefer the company of friends (50%) to their girlfriends (30%)
-Feel that long term commitments are bothersome
-As it is exhausting, they ave little to no interest in SEX
As you may or may not recall, I am currently sharing my room (the size of your average bedroom) with another friend. It is about to go on two months now. I am moments away from killing him, from time to time, but I bite my lip, because I think it is good to help someone who is in need more than worrying about petty little annoying things...like Whitney Houston...which has vanished but has been replaced with the annoying anime, "Fruits Basket".
The man has next to no money, but felt the need to drop $160 on a new wallet because his old wallet had a bottom that slowly eroded a hole in his pockets. Never mind the fact that this was a feature he bragged to me about a year earlier.
He comes into the room and asks me how white are his teeth after every brush job and gets upset when I don't respond in an "OMG" fashion.
I get asked the question, "Does this shirt look good on me?" I say, "Yep, it looks good." He responds, "I am too fat to wear it. Look! You can see my fat." He then proceeds to pinch whatever bit of skin he can pull away from his frame.
He will eat one meal a day and complain about being hungry when food is everywhere. I make dinner and he wants to eat half of it, because he is starving and feels that it is not breaking his fast if it is food that I prepared.
He wakes up in the middle of the night to play video games or watch movies, with regular volume levels. AND! He sings or speaks to himself at the same time.
I won't even get into the stomping factor or the fact that everything he does must make some form of noise...yet, I made a slight sound the other morning and he felt the need to tell me I was making too much noise as he covered his head with a pillow. After which, he exclaimed, "God, I just want my own place." Loving the gratitude.
The list could go on...but I will just move onto my next point, which is that he is often quick to criticize anyone that wants to be in a relationship and aside from the few times a year when he wants sex, he is positively baffled as to why anyone would want to engage in this bothersome practice.
So, when an article about Soshokukei Men appeared in the newspaper, I showed him the article and said that it was him.
Of course, he denied it.
This study, which included several discussions with outsiders has led me to decide that mandatory service to one's country (not militarily, but in fields such as Agriculture, Environment, Health Care, and Social work) would be a huge boost to people and societies around the world. In many cases, I would also suggest a living stipend.
I believe that a year of service within in the first 5 years after graduating from High school would do the world wonders.
People could learn where food comes from, so they aren't as wasteful.
They could take care of the elderly, children, disabled individuals and learn to respect one another.
Awareness of poverty, battery and assault, etc would be on the rise.
Litter and pollution would be controlled.
And so on....
It might also give people a better understanding of what they would like to do after they graduate, what they would like to study, etc...
May. 13th, 2009 @ 08:35 am
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| » When you've know someone for 5 years, few words need to be exchanged, I guess. |
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My best friend here suddenly said that he was intending to leave and apparently already bought a ticket.
We have drifted apart slowly over the years and I tried to contain whatever I was feeling for the sake of the party, but at a certain point, I left without looking back or saying a word. I am not sure how long it took for everyone to figure out I was gone, but that doesn't bother me.
My friend was brushing his teeth in the dark as I entered the laundry room to get my clothes. After the initial exchange of heys in semi-groggy voices, he asked, "Why'd you leave last night?"
I said, "Yeah. Just had to go. For many reasons."
"Was it something that was said?" he asked.
"I wasn't feeling good."
I pulled my clothes out of the dryer and I could feel in the silence there was obvious disbelief as he stood behind me expecting the truth.
So, I turned around and the eye contact said it all, I suspect.
He turned to get the light, I told him I was almost done and there was no need... "It will help you see better."
The light eventually went on, you just need to wiggle the switch a bit.
With clothes in hand, there was another moment of silence suggesting that we both wanted to talk about it.
"Seems kind of sad that you just get the light on and now we're turning it off."
"Heh, yeah."
The look back and a quick exchange of good nights and we're still back to where we started.
I suspect, someday, it will be vocalized, but what can really be said?
May. 4th, 2009 @ 12:22 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I actually read a lot of books.
The current book is one I have avoided since I was a child and my father recommended it to me.
I was in the bookstore -do these places still even exist?- the other day and I saw it...so I decided now was the time.
I know how the book starts and ends, but I thought it was time to read it.
It pulls at my heart strings like no other book has done before.
Just when I thought I had finally developed a nice hard and blackened shell to defend my heart from anything, this book comes along.
I am not finished with it, so I am not going to talk about it beyond my current bond with it.
On an unrelated note, yet some how fitting, pining is a bitch.
Now back! Back I say! ...to your regularly scheduled pandemic broadcasts.
May. 2nd, 2009 @ 01:24 am
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| » A word about fashion. |
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While I understand that people are into fashion, brand names, and whatever else...I accept that they enjoy it.
However, why does it feel like these people also seem to be the ones that often criticize me for not caring or being familiar with them?
I am constantly berated at work by coworkers about my neckties... I even have two overpriced Paul Smith ties (I just learned who Paul Smith was 6 months ago from a 61 year old lady).
I offered to treat a friend out to a Korean BBQ for helping me out despite the fact that I don't eat meat... He responded, "Oh, my friend brought me to this really fancy one before. It was more expensive than [the restaurant I suggested]. 10,000 yen per person...." It went on... After which, I dropped the offer and never brought it up again.
BTW...I went to a fancy Italian Restaurant the other day and my etiquette, fork usage, and placement when I was through suggested that I was an oaf. Yet, I think to myself: Fashion changes. Recipes and food styles change. However, this antiquated method of eating is extraordinarily uncomfortable, inefficient, uses an excessive amount of flatware, and poisons our bodies of water and food supplies with detergents. So, to be honest, I suggest that people who maintain these table etiquette standards need to have their heads examined.
What is with people getting so wrapped up in this superficial crap?
I wish I could just say it was the Japanese that are so wrapped up in this nonsense, but an overwhelming amount of Westerners also coddle it as well.
Apr. 29th, 2009 @ 11:41 am
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| » How many times in a row can you listen to just one song? |
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If I have to listen to Whitney Houston's "I will always love you" one more time, I might be forced to kill my roommate.
You think it might not be that bad....but REPEAT ONE for hours!!
It is not like he forgot his iTunes on or anything...his laptop is in hand and he is typing. It is his number 1 favourite song of all time.
I am considering deleting it, but damn the internet and downloads...they'd thwart me in an instant.
Apr. 29th, 2009 @ 11:34 am
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